[CATALAN/ENGLISH] Quatre ratlles
més sobre la violència contra les dones. Ja sé que els blogs s’han passat de
moda, però com que m’agrada escriure per a mi mateix, cosa que m’ajuda a endreçar
els meus idees, som-hi. També cal afegir que tot el que escric potser semblarà molt
evident per a la meitat de la població, però a l’hora d’agafar el boli virtual
estic pensant més en l’altra meitat – els homes.
Començo per
confessar que adonar-me de l'abast del tema del masclisme, la misogínia, i la violència contra les
dones a tots els nivells em va costar. Vaig arribar tard, molt tard. Suposo que és per la meva situació – ser home,
en una relativament bona, privilegiada, situació – però el fet és que tot el
tema dels abusos, agressions, i violència masclista ha sigut com un ‘punt cec’
en la meva vida; simplement un problema que m’havia passat per alt fins fa poc.
Ho sento. Mira, pensant enrere, no soc de liderar cap causa ni de cremar
palaus, però sempre he intentat estar en el costat bo de la historia, i interessar-me
o fer alguna cosa per a moltes reivindicacions. A l’uni als anys 80s, vaig
participar en les campanyes contra l’apartheid de Sud Africà, i també comprant
samarretes i enviant diners a causes com Nicaragua, Guatemala etc. Donant
suport als CND (en contra de les bases d’armes nuclears a Anglaterra), i als
miners durant la vaga del 84-85. Soci en alguns moments de un munt de ONGs: Metges
sense fronters, Pallassos sense fronters, Save the whales, Save the donkeys,
Oxfam, SEO/BirdLife, Greenpeace... Activista molt involucrat en la Plataforma
en Defensa de l’Ebre. També vam organitzar recol·lecta de diners per refugiats
de les guerres dels Balcans al lloc on treballo, etc.... en fi, he participat
en la majoria d'aquestes causes des de la seguretat del sofà, sí, però almenys estava
conscient dels problemes – igual que les lluites contra el racisme o l’homofòbia
etc.
Tot aquest rotllo
ho explico per a dir que flipo i m’avergonyeixo de no haver estat, fins fa uns
pocs anys, realment conscient del nivell de masclisme en la societat – a tots
els nivells; des dels comentaris i actituds de menyspreu i ‘casual sexism’ o
micro-masclismes, fins a la violència més bestia.
Quan a casa o conversant
amb alguna amiga, m’explicaven comentaris sexistes que havien rebut, la meva
resposta era estil ‘Vaja, quin idiota’, i tornava a fer el que estava fent, o quan es parlava de casos de
violacions o assassinats a les noticies, doncs, ‘Quin boig més malvat. Next’. Però
sense donar-ho més voltes, ni d’ajuntar, en el meu cap, les peces del puzle o
adonar-me de l’abast i connexions de tot plegat.
Però algun dia,
em vaig començar a despertar i adonar-me que la meva situació de home (a més,
blanc, europeu, amb feina...) em dona uns privilegis en la vida, i que a la vegada
també m’havia tancat la vista dels patiments de l’altra meitat de la població.
Vull dir que, molt bé Brian, això de salvar les balenes o pensar en minories
arreu del món, però el problema que tens al costat, el que afecta el 50% de la
gent del teu voltant, és tan gran i tan normalitzat que ni ho veus. Per sort,
fa uns 8 o 10 anys, a base de converses a casa, i una filla que creix en tots
els sentits (edat i coneixement i visió del món), i les campanyes (a les xarxes
i als carrers) de visibilitzar el tema, i de llegir molt, vaig començar a
entendre i assumir la gravetat de tot plegat i on és el problema. És amb els
homes.
Fa 4 anys, en
veure l’enessim cas de violència contra dones a les noticies vaig aprofitar un
espai que em deixen a un portal local de noticies i informació per escriure
aquest article (enllaç). Una mena de “violència masclista per a principiants
(o sigui, homes com jo)”. Un text força tímid que intentava explicar això, que
som els homes que hem de canviar evidentment, i que això només passarà si
acceptem la realitat de que hem creat i perpetuat una societat patriarcal que
menysprea a la meitat de la població.
Un text més ben
escrit (i corregit) que aquest d’avui, però quatre anys més tard, ara publicaria
un article força més contundent, i cada dia més.
Bé, com he dit, faig
aquests quatre ratlles sobretot per a mi, una mena d’ordenar i repassar les
idees per poder aplicar-los en el meu dia a dia. No tinc gaire cosa nova a dir,
simplement insistir en això per no caure dins del pou del pessimisme: els homes
ens hem d’adonar dels privilegis que hem tingut, i els hem de trencar, trencar
esquemes i maneres de pensar, i treballar com podem per a una societat
d’igualtats. De la mateixa forma com passa amb el tema del racisme o l’homofobia, els petits
gests que tots fem i podem fer, o sumen o resten.
Les ‘brometes’
entre amics; donar més importància o no a obres/feines de homes/dones; petites
accions com quins autors recomanem de llegir; com les escoles i instituts estan
organitzats (80% del pati pels futboleros; aquest xiquet revoler, posa-li al costat d’una
noia...). O a nivells de ciutat: per què
la majoria de carrers o places porten noms d’homes; o per què quan pensem en la
historia o els famosos d’una ciutat, donem preferència als homes (Barcelona =
Gaudi, Picasso, Cruyff, Messi...). Quan parlem de historia, ens basem sempre en
batalles i regnes. En fi, tot suma per crear un entorn on es normalitza que les
dones no son importants o ens internalitzem una mena de menyspreu envers elles.
I després de
tenir aquesta base de menyspreu, poden passar coses més greus. I passen. No conec quasi cap
dona/noia que no ha rebut comentaris o ‘bromes’ que li fan sentir malament o
amb por, o que no hagi patit mirades i tocaments pel carrer o quan van en
transport públic, etc.
I quan arribem als casos que considerem molt ‘greus’ (spoiler; tot és greu, si una noia s’ha sentit malament al Metro, demà potser no hi voldrà anar; si a una companya li han dit alguna cosa sobre el seu físic, demà potser canviarà de vestit o es quedarà a casa...), com els abusos, violacions, assassinats etc, tal com s’ha vist aquesta setmana amb el cas a França, no, no son 4 bojos que podem tancar i s’ha acabat el problema. Aquests violadors d’una dona drogada (drogada pel seu marit – busca el cas de Dominique i Gisèle Pélicot si no sabeu de que parlo) son gent que viu amb família i fills, gent que treballa en llocs habituals, com de bomber, funcionari, periodista..., que et saluden pel carrer, que semblen “lovely people” com diuen d'alguns. O sigui, gent normal o gent trastocada? Gent normal o monstres? Això diran els experts, però hi son arreu, posa’ls-hi el nom que vulguis, i sí que hi ha un fil que lliga tot plegat – des del menyspreu i micro-masclismes del dia a dia i els ‘petits’ abusos fins a la violència més extrema. Podria escriure pàgines donant més exemples (aquest estiu les tres noies assassinades a Southport, les tres dones matades amb ballesta a Londres...) però no cal – només cal mirar les noticies CADA setmana per trobar casos d’allò més violent.
Què més? Informar-nos
– hi ha milers d’articles i llibres i vídeos que podem llegir i mirar. I
escoltar a les noies i dones quan volen parlar de com se senten. I sobretot parlar
en els fills (i alumnes i companys) i fer-los veure com portar-se amb valors de
respecte i igualtat.
Algunes coses estan canviant – o potser només és una percepció personal? Quan jo era adolescent, ni es parlava de res d’això a casa ni a l’institut. I a les teles el sexisme era el pa de cada dia i ningú ho qüestionava i era el model de comportament que apreníem. Per sort, ara a casa comentem els estereotips o masclisme d’aquesta pel·li, aquesta cançó, aquest reality show... amb ulleres de igualtats/feminisme. Alguns joves es comencen a ‘despertar’. Dins de les cases alguns pares hem començat a parlar amb els fills (no deixant tot en mans de les xerrades mare-filla). A moltes famílies i cases s’ha obert el meló de parlar de casos d’abusos etc. que hi ha hagut i de que tradicionalment no s’han parlat, fins que avui dia tots podem adonar-nos de l’abast i les estadístiques impensables de la realitat. I el que això vol dir; que 1/3 de les noies i1/4 de nois han patit abusos, vol dir que a cada classe n’hi ha d’abusats i a cada carrer o bloc de pisos n’hi ha d’abusadors. O en una família gran de 12 cosins...fes números. I deixa de fer 'brometa' que banalitza tot això.
Que quasi la meitat (o és més?) de les dones
han patit agressions sexuals d’alguna mena, vol dir que tots coneixem algú que
n’ha patit – i segurament tots coneixem homes que les han comes. Ho dubteu?
Mira el cas Pelicot un altre vegada; en un poble de uns 6000 persones, l’home
va trobar gairebé un centenar de homes que volien violar la dona, homes que
sovint tenen feines en que et poses en les seves mans (infermers, per exemple).
És esgarrifós, però és real. Monstres o gent normal? Qui sap, però estan arreu
i a prop, molt a prop. Per no parlar de la quantitat de no-monstres que no
pensen dos cops abans de perpetuar qualsevol acció masclista etc. Hora de
despertar-nos i actuar, homes.
Editat per afegir un punt més: algú m'ha explicat que el problema que tenim
els homes, en general, és que pensem en blanc i negre amb aquest tema. Pensem que, o estàs entre els homes que estan en contra de les agressions o ets un agressor, o sigui que només hi ha dos grups. Com que
la majoria volem pensar que anem amb els ‘bons’, doncs, no hi donem massa voltes. Pensem que el 90% som bons, i els altres 10% els dolents. El problema és que la realitat no son dos grups, sinó un espectre de grisos i cada home es troba en
un punt diferent. Una gama de casos i 'nivell de acceptació' que segur que qualsevol dona podria explicar molt millor que jo, però faré un esforç. Hi ha homes que acceptaran ‘bromes’ en privat, però no els diran en públic;
homes que pensen que no passa res per fer una brometa davant dels fills o
amigues però no van més allà; homes que pensen que son homes bons però els surt una broma 'sense voler' sobre violacions o violència domèstica; homes que sumen a això també el fet de dir comentaris pujats
de to i no volgudes a les dones companyes de feina; altres que els dirien davant de
tothom en qualsevol lloc; altres que qüestionaran la roba que la parella posa per anar al gimnas; altres que marejaran una dona que els ha dit que No mil cops a la
barra d’una discoteca; altres que intentaran donar-les una beguda més, a veure
si tenen ‘sort’...; altres que s'asseuen precisament al costat d'una dona sola a l'autobus encara que va buit... etc., fins arribar als casos d'agressió més flagrants i fisicament violents. O sigui, tothom és diferent i tots els homes tenen ‘límits’
diferents, però l'objectiu consistiria en que tots fem un pas (o diversos!) de cara al
costat del respecte i la igualtat en aquesta escala de grisos.
Per tant, si un home llegeix aquest text o veu les noticies més alarmants, no hauria de dir simplement "Jo no soc violador, jo els mataria a tots" i tancar el tema perquè ell pensa que està dins del grup dels 'bons' - però continuar fent brometa masclista davant els fills, o dient "Jo t'ajudaré amb la neteja de la casa", o no creure's-ho quan un jugador del seu equip està acusat d'una agressió sexual, o no comentar la noticia de la violació amb ningú perquè li és incomode, o riure's o criticar si una cantant té diverses parelles sexuals, o mirar amb ulls com a taronges a cada noia que passa pel costat, fins i tot sortint de la oficina per veure-la, o xiular-la, etc... tot suma per crear aquest entorn toxic en el qual vivim. I no és tampoc una escala simple de esquerres o dretes politiques tradicionals - fins i tot, dins dels entorns que pretenen ser més progressistes o més amables, plens d'homes que diuen ser aliats, si rasquem una mica, sovint surten actituds de menyspreu, prepotencia, i masclisme al superficie. Si ho dubtes, parleu en les dones que tenim al voltant.
Per cert - i acabo! - com que l'idea és aprendre per a millorar, qualsevol opinió o critica del que he escrit, molt benvingut! Thanks!
Per cert, homes: hi ha moltissima informació que es pot llegir. Aquests dos llibres, per exemple, seria un bon començament:
(ENGLISH) A few thoughts (again) regarding the non-stop horror of violence against women. Writing this more for myself than anyone else, to put my idees down ‘on paper’ and try and think what else I can do. If anyone is reading this, I realize too that half the world’s population is already fully aware of all this – but it’s the other half (the men) who do need to wake up and smell the coffee as they say.
Confession: I was late, very late, to realizing just how widely spread the problem of sexism, misogyny, and violence against women is in society. Probably it’s down to my personal situation – a man in a relatively comfortable and privileged situation. But it’s still shameful that sexism, sexual aggressions and violence have almost been a kind of ‘blind spot’ for me until relatively recently. I’m sorry and ashamed. Thinking back, though I’m not one for leading a cause or storming the palaces, I’ve always tried to be on the right side of history and do my little bit. In the 80s, along with most students, I participated in the campaign against apartheid, sent donations and bought the t-shirts for causes like Nicaragua, Guatemala etc, supported the miners in their strike, bought the badges and signed petitions for CND and so on. At different moments in my life, been a member of or donated to loads of NGOs: Greenpeace, Oxfam, Doctors without Frontiers, Clowns without Frontiers, Save the you-name-it… I have helped out actively in local environmental campaigns or different social problems. Helped raise money for the refugees from the Balkans wars. To sum up, though mainly from the safety of my sofa, I’ve done a bit to be aware of and help out with many social issues.
All this rabbiting on is to show just how poor it is, then, that I missed one. Until a few years ago, the gravity and scale of the ‘casual sexism’, denigration, harassment, abuse and violence men constantly carry out on women, wasn’t on my radar.
Whenever at home or chatting with a friend, they’d explain about a sexist comment they’ve had to put up with, I’d go “Jesus, what an idiot”. Or when you see rapes and murders of women on the news, then “What a crazy bastard”. But without giving things a second thought, without linking the pieces of the puzzle together in my head and realising the enormity of the tragedy women face in our society.
But one day, I started to wake up (call me woke, I mean it, do) and slowly but surely became aware that my situation (white male in Europe with a job) offered me privileges and an implicit feeling of entitlement which were blocking out the suffering and pain experience by half the population. What I’m trying to say is that, it’s all well and good to save the whales or work to help certain discriminated groups but the problem I have sitting next to me, the one affecting 50% of the people I know, is so big yet so normalized that I wasn’t even seeing it.
Luckily about 8 or 10 years ago, after many conversations at home, and a daughter also growing up, in every sense, and speaking out, and seeing more and more women campaigning, and by reading as much as I could, I started to grasp and accept the gravity of the situation and just where the problem lies. With men.
A few years ago, after the umpteenth case of violence against women in a short time, I wrote this article in Catalan (link) for a local Catalan news website. It’s a kind of “male violence against women for dummies (like me)” article, quite weak and with the brakes on but I did attempt to explain how I felt, that it’s up to men to change and this will only happen once we accept the reality of the patriarchal society we have created and perpetuated which ignores, despises or harms half the population,
Re-reading that article, at least it was better written and organized than this brainstorming but now, four years later, I would be much firmer and clearer in what I have to say.
As I said, these few lines are not carefully written to be published but more as a series of notes to myself, bringing thoughts together, letting off steam, and revising things I (we) could do in our day to day lives. There’s nothing new I can add really, just insist on the key factors: as men we have to realize how entitled and privileged we are in the balance of men/women, and that it’s time to break this up, beak down the norms and habits and ways of thinking so ingrained in society, and work to build a society based on equality. Each of us can do something – every small gesture helps, or hinders, depending in which direction we move.
Those ‘jokes’ among male friends; considering men’s opinions, work, jobs, even works of art to be more important; the classic “I’ll help you do the housework, love”; how schools are organized with 80% of the playground for the football playing lads, or when teachers make the boisterous lad sit next to a girl so she can ‘calm him’ (and put up with his behaviour). In towns; why do most streets, squares or public buildings bear the names of famous men; why do we think first of men nearly every time we think of a city (Liverpool, the Beatles; Barcelona, Gaudi and Messi). The teaching (and glorification) of history through a series of kings, battles, and empires, a testosteronal history. You get where I’m going, all this everyday sexism adds up till we internalize it and don’t even notice we are constantly relegating women to a lesser sphere.
And after that, worse things can happen – and do. I know hardly any women who haven’t received a sexist comment or joke when out and about, or non-welcome looks and even being touched on public transport or in the street etc.
Finally, it all links up to the ‘serious’ abuse/violence cases (spoiler alert: everything is serious, independently of whether you or I think it is. The girl who was made to feel uncomfortable on the bus, will she take public transport again? The women whose clothes or weight was commented on by workmates, will she change how she looks tomorrow or worry about her physique?). But, moving on, we get to cases of sexual abuse, rape, and murder. As we’ve seen this week in France, it’s not so simple as saying “yep, these men are evil, lock them up” because it goes much deeper and wider than that. These hundred or so rapists of an unconscious woman (look up the case of Dominique and Gisele Pelicot if you don’t know the story) are not what we like to think of as villains, easy to spot, easy to catch, easy to lock up. Nope, we’re talking about men with families, wives and kids, with ‘normal’ jobs like firemen, journalists, nurses ... men thought of as ‘lovely people’ in the small town where this happened, one guy actually came round to fix the kids’ bikes. So, what are they? Normal men, or crazy men? Normal men, or monsters? That’s up to the experts to define but, whatever label we use, they are everywhere and there is a thread that links together all of this – all the way from the very slightest attitudes of disdain or superiority, casual sexism and micro-aggressions, through to the very worst acts of violence. We could list loads of examples (just this summer, as well as the French court case, we’ve seen three girls killed in Southport, three women shot by crossbow in London...) but there’s no need, it’s as easy as watching the news every week to see more and more cases.
Having said all this, it’s pretty obvious that the knee-jerk defensive reaction of many men (who feel attacked when women say men are violent and aggressive) to claim “Hey, not all men are like that” doesn’t help at all. OK, not all men are violent rapists, OK, but the top and bottom of the problem is that women do not know who is and who isn’t. When an electrician comes round to their house, when a man sits beside them on the train, when they share a closed office with a man, how do women know which men will say something, touch them, or attack them? They don’t, so they fear (or watch out for) all men. As they say, maybe it’s not all men, but it is always a man. Why is this so hard for us men to grasp? Apart from the fact that many men are so fragile on the inside that they feel attacked whenever women speak the truth, I saw another possible explanation in an article today. Maybe men don’t get it because however bad the news is, however many cases of sexual abuse they hear about, however surprised or saddened they feel, they don’t feel fear every single day of their lives. Like many women must do.
What can we, men, do? If we just stop and think a while instead of a knee-jerk “Hey, I’m one of the good guys, can we change the subject?” it’d be a start. Accept that the defensive Not All Men is not helping matters. Make an effort to actually demonstrate that it’s not all men, and try and change the balance. Help the girls and women around you to know they can feel safe. Try ‘standing in their shoes’ and think how they must feel in different situations before you say or do anything (the classic and recommended action of, when you find yourself behind a woman walking home at night, cross over to the other side of the road). Stop laughing at sexist banter. Tell your mates you’ve had enough. Be aware of when people in the public eye (footballers, pop stars, politicians...) are being treated differently or criticised more blatantly and unjustly for being a woman.
What else? Inform yourself. There are loads of books, videos and articles out there to find out more. Listen to the girls and women around you if they want to explain what they feel. And, above all, men, speak to your sons (and male students and male workmates etc.), show them how to behave with values of respect and equality for all.
Some things may be changing? Who knows. I’d like to think so but it might be a personal sensation. When I was a teenager, no one talked to me about sexism or how to ‘treat’ girls or women, neither at home nor at school. And all the examples you’d pick up around you or on TV – remember, we learn through examples – were normally examples of sexist behaviour. Luckily, nowadays, at home (ours, at least) we comment on news stories, song lyrics, films, TV shows, from a feminist/equality point of view, questioning stereotypes, social norms, and all levels of inequalities and sexism. Many youngsters have their eyes open these days too. Some (let’s not say ‘many’) fathers speak to their sons (not just leaving the ‘problem’ to mothers and daughters to talk about). And in some households, previously taboo subjects like sexual abuse are now spoken about, timidly. Listening to family members, reading serious well-documented articles, it’s time to realize just what the numbers are telling us. If about a third of all young girls and a quarter of boys have been abused, it means there are going to be cases in every class you teach or your kids are in. It means there are child abusers in every street, every block of flats, every medium-sized workplace. Imagine there are twelve cousins in your family, and do the maths...
If about half of all women (I
think the number is higher but I haven’t checked) have suffered some kind of sexual
aggression, it means we all know a woman who has suffered. And we all know a
man who is guilty of sexual aggression. You sure? Yes. Look at the Pelicot case
again, a small town of 6,000 inhabitants and the husband found at least a hundred
rapists to rape his wife. Many in jobs with a certain responsibility, even a
nurse who may one day be looking over an unconscious patient... Unbelievably horrific
and frightening. Normal men or monsters? You decided. And what are the numbers
for men who don’t rape but think nothing of other levels of harassment or
abuse? The fact is the problem exists, the numbers are what they are, any woman
can tell you their daily experiences. Time to act.
Edited
to add this postscript: someone has recently told me that part of men’s problem
is that we see everything in black or white. That is, we think you’re either a ‘good
man’ or a ‘bad man’. You’re either against sexual aggression and violence or
you are ‘in favour’ (i.e. you do it). And since most of us think we’re with the
‘good guys’ we think that’s enough – just think you’re not causing problems and
close the case. We believe that 90% of us are goodies, and 10% baddies. But the
truth is far from black or white. It is in fact a spectrum of greys and each of
us finds himself at a different point. For example, some ‘good guys’ still like
a sexist joke or banter in private; others see no problem in saying the joke in
front of family or workmates, “It’s just a joke”; others might ask a workmate
to cut out the sexist jokes, others might laugh; other men see no problem in
making sexist comments to women at work; or on the bus; others might question
how their partners dress to go to the gym; others will insist and insist again
to the woman they’ve met at the bar; or insist she has another drink, despite
her multiple refusals; others sit just beside the sole woman on the bus even
though it’s empty… and so on, until we reach the more flagrant examples of sexual
aggression. To sum up, we’re all different and every man, however ‘good’ he
believes himself to me, can do something – like try taking one step on the
spectrum towards the side of equality and respect. Or two steps.
What I mean
is that a man reading this or seeing the news shouldn’t just say “Hey, I’m not
a rapist, I’d hang them all” and consider his contribution over and move on to
talk about the weather… but still keep saying sexist jokes in front of his
kids, offering to ‘help’ his wife in the house, refusing to believe his team’s
star player has sexually abused someone, showing no interest whatsoever in the
constant barrage of news stories of violence against women, laughing or criticising
the latest female celeb or pop star to have had several relationships, staring
mouth open at every woman who walks past the office or building site, etc… then
you (we) are also helping to create the toxic sexist environment that enables
much worse things to happen..
Ok, if anyone has anything to add or debate
about, please do!
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